tag:stmarystmike.com,2005:/blogs/blue-52Behind The Songs2023-10-16T10:58:03-04:00St. Mary, St. Michaelfalsetag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63458852020-06-07T23:41:44-04:002023-12-10T11:59:46-05:00Distance Between Us<p><em>Disclaimer: Every part of this album, from start to finish, was done under the quarantine of COVID-19. The song writing, musical composition, arrangement, and all collaboration was performed while each band member stayed within their homes. Each song represents a part of said quarantine.</em></p>
<p>Distance Between Us was an ordeal to finish, but not like Whispers was. The big problem with Distance was the shear volume of individual elements that went into the recording. My cellist Michael Ronstadt loves to torture me by giving me five cello parts per song. That's nothing new. But I must surely be masochistic because not only did I request ten cello parts, I added my own. Not cello. There's a device called an Ebow, an electronic bow. Essentially, it magnetically vibrates guitar strings and creates a really cool sustain sound. So, my idea was to record six Ebow parts, two upright bass parts, 10 cello parts, and stack them all together to create this massive wall of sound. What made it worse was that originally the song was in the key of A, which is really easy to record on stringed instruments. But we later dropped the key to A Flat. Not easy to record. If THAT wasn't enough, a good buddy of mine, Michael Schenk, offered to record a bowed electric guitar part. He's in a great band called Build Us Fiction, and they excel at this kinda thing. So I took it. But it doesn't stop there. I had the idea to end the song with gang vocals, and instead of doing them all myself, I asked a bunch of local songwriters to do it in their houses. So on top of the almost twenty stringed parts, the piano, the drums, the vocals, I now have twenty vocal parts to deal with. Oh, and I recorded myself clapping a bunch of different ways and stomping in a bunch of different shoes so that I could layer 20 claps and 20 stomps and they'd all sound unique. Talk about a project.</p>
<p>As for the song, this one was a fun lyric experiment. It started with the line "Streets or oceans away, might as well be the same." I like the idea that we were all confined to our homes, and what used to be an easy trip to see someone now was impossible. You could live next door, but you might as well be on the other side of the world. I think a lot of us realized we took personal interaction with others for granted. So I ended up, with the help of Michael Ronstadt yet again, writing a Coldplay-esque ballad lamenting on the distance between people. But as I'd already made this complicated, I wanted to add a second part. Turn it from piano led melancholy to guitar led hoe down. The original idea was to write, essentially, a modern worship song that turned into an old timey gospel tune. So we end the first part and have this grand build up that leads to the guitar coming in and me singing, "Won't you take me back, let time stand still. You know I can't make it on my own. Take me back where I can build a road for you to travel on back home." After an organ solo, you hear all these voices surround me. I wanted the project to start with isolation but end in togetherness. A reminder to people that community is important, and when we can see each other again, we should enjoy each other's presence. </p>6:20St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63458752020-06-07T23:26:21-04:002023-12-10T11:32:39-05:00Whispers<p><em>Disclaimer: Every part of this album, from start to finish, was done under the quarantine of COVID-19. The song writing, musical composition, arrangement, and all collaboration was performed while each band member stayed within their homes. Each song represents a part of said quarantine.</em></p>
<p>While I'm extremely proud of how Whispers turned out, it was quite the bitch to create. It started with a piano line. An arpeggiated series of chords. The kicker is that its time signature is 5/4. For those that don't really get what that means, it's basically adding an extra beat to the end of every musical phrase. It can create really interesting grooves, but it can be tough to write lyrics to. Peter, my keys player, had this idea to use the metaphor of a stairwell in your house representing a descent into madness. This seemed to fit, as being quarantined seemed to make people go crazy. But I was stuck. I couldn't come up with anything</p>
<p>I sent it to my cellist, Michael Ronstadt, who not only cowrote my song Blue 52 with me, but also has collaborated on many other songs. He then proceeded to write maybe 8 verses, and a chorus. The story just wasn't connecting. It seemed too, shall we say, Edgar Allen Poe. But I loved the chorus he came up with: "Come find us, we are here. Come find us, we are near." It was at this time that I was listening to the album Ghost by Radical Face. It had many songs dealing with spirits dwelling in houses. So then it hit me. What if, instead of just talking about going crazy in your house, I talked about the house being part of the reason you went crazy?</p>
<p>Essentially, the story is that because I was spending more time in my house, I became more aware of the noises my house made. But then I start hearing footsteps, laughter, whispers. Am I going crazy because I'm lonely, or am I really not so alone after all? I suppose that's up to the listener. But all the while, whispers call out: "Come find us, we are here. Come find us, we are near."</p>
<p>Unlike Whiskey And Silence, I pick up my acoustic again, but Peter pulls out a tasty rhodes electronic keyboard to compliment the live piano part I lay down. The fun part is in the instrumental at the end. We all just get more and more chaotic. I also had fun walking around my house and recording floorboards squeaking, doors slamming, random creaks. I didn't want to just download sounds, but rather reproduce them live. </p>5:23St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63458612020-06-07T23:15:32-04:002023-12-10T11:32:44-05:00Whiskey And Silence<p><em>Disclaimer: Every part of this album, from start to finish, was done under the quarantine of COVID-19. The song writing, musical composition, arrangement, and all collaboration was performed while each band member stayed within their homes. Each song represents a part of said quarantine.</em></p>
<p>Whiskey And Silence started as a simple acoustic guitar and vocal song. When COVID-19 hit, and we were all quarantined, I wanted to write a song dealing with what I felt a lot of people might be struggling to deal with. Loneliness, isolation, and silence. I wrote a song, sent it to my band for approval, and to my surprise they came back with suggesting that we not only put a whole band arrangement behind the song, but we should do a three song ep. Of course that meant I had to come up with two more songs, but more on that later.</p>
<p>Whiskey And Silence deals with the idea that when isolated, silence can become painful. When we can't distract ourselves, our inner demos (both known and previously unknown) tend to show their fangs. I've found that with current technology, it's pretty easy to surround ourselves with noise, both in a literal sense and in the form of constant distraction. But after weeks of being stuck inside your own house, it's a lot harder to scare off the silence. </p>
<p>I tried really hard to work in imagery of wearing out a path on your floor between your bed and your couch in an effort to bring out a feeling of restlessness. And, originally, the phrase "I'll have another glass of whiskey with a side of silence alone. Staring at a blank wall, watching time go by so slow." But all of these came out a little too pop punk. Too angsty. So I changed to a more metaphorical side of things and came up with "Another day stuck inside the walls of my head. And I'm wearing a path running from the demons I know and the ones still in shadow." Soon, the idea of silence being more like a person instead of the absence of sound took place. What we once ran from, we shared a glass of whiskey with. Silence is closer to a teacher. A hard-ass of a teacher, sure, but one that, after breaking us, will help us put our pieces back together.</p>
<p>As is so common to my songs, Whiskey And Silence ends, not with resolution, but with the hope that resolution might come. </p>
<p>Perhaps more important than the story is the arrangement. This is the first song where I depart from my acoustic only vibe. Sure, I've had organ before, but I pulled out all the stops on this one. I say "I" like it was my decision. It was my bands. They finally convinced me to not just add electric guitar, but also synth, delays, distortions, reverbs. I left my straight folk influences to adopt a sound similar to my favorite band, Frightened Rabbit. And I'm pretty proud of the result.</p>4:09St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63250712020-05-21T12:51:35-04:002023-12-10T11:32:46-05:00Figs From Thistles<p>On my first album, "A Sea Of Empty Faces," I have a song called "Neat." It's about an outlaw at the end of his career. His life was ruined, and he resorts to alcohol to forget his trouble. I wanted to write the other side of his life. How did he get into his life of crime? I liked the idea that he never wanted to be an outlaw in the first place. His life just continually forced him into it. "Figs From Thistles" is about that.</p>
<p>"Figs" started from two directions at once. I was trying to learn some cool guitar licks, and I had an unusual capo that didn't touch the outer E strings on either side of my guitar. That allowed for some weird riffs that simply tuning differently wouldn't enable. So I came up with this really cool lick. I also stumbled on a verse in Scripture that said, "By their fruits you will know them. Do you gather grapes from thorns, or figs from thistles?" The idea is that you can identify what people believe and their motives from what they do. Your fruit reflects what you are. I wanted to turn this idea on it's head. In my experience, people often try to force good things out of bad situations. They stay in a toxic relationship because they think they can fix the other person. They throw their money away thinking it'll make them rich. They self medicate thinking it'll fix their problems. </p>
<p>So, how do I take the theme of trying to find a fig in a bunch of thistles and combine it with a dirty outlaw country guitar riff? Well let's right the story of someone who kept trying to live on the straight and narrow but couldn't.</p>
<p>The first verse sets up the origin story. This man was a young boy living with an abusive, alcoholic father. He couldn't handle it. One night he stole his father's gun and ran away. Unfortunately, with no training or skills, he had to resort to stealing just to survive. The second verse shoots ahead in time. This man is now an adult. One night, while he's sleeping, he wakes up to discover a young boy trying to steal from him. This boy clearly looks like he's been on his own a while, and isn't trying to get rich. He's just trying to survive. This obviously reminds the man of his past, so he takes the boy alongside himself and they continue to steal to get by. The third verse fast forwards yet again. Years down the road, the boy begins to doubt their way of life. He wants more than just stealing to survive. He doesn't want to become what the man is. This leads to a bridge section where our tragic hero responds with telling the boy to go. He recognizes that this boy has a lot more to offer the world than he can provide. But, he also knows that this late in his life, he's stuck in his ways. He can't change. It ends with him hoping to find a fig at some point in the thistles of his life. </p>
<p>This is one of the bands favorite songs to play. It's just good ole rock and roll. We typically end shows with this one because we just vamp out and tear up the stage. It's also unique in that it's the first song we bring in an instrument that isn't acoustic. My keys player plays organ. I was worried it would stand out too much, but I don't feel that it does. And I like having songs spread out across albums that relate to each other. A St. Mary, St. Michael extended universe, if you will. </p>4:20St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63250642020-05-21T12:36:13-04:002023-12-10T11:33:28-05:00Do I Love You Less?<p>Every album has that one song. The one that I just don't know whether to include or not. "Do I Love You Less?" (which we'll just call DILOY from here on out) is that song. It almost didn't make the album. But, I'm a strong encourager of putting out any song you write in some fashion, as it is a piece of the whole picture of you as a songwriter. </p>
<p>DILOY started as a simple idea. I've been a worship musician, leader, and pastor in some form for almost my entire life. At seven years old I was playing piano in church. In college I started playing in bands not connected with the church. Since then I've been asked countless times why I don't write "Christian" music. Church people are always asking me what my favorite worship bands are. I usually tell them I hate almost all Christian music. I can't stand it. It's so boring and simple. That's not to say there aren't bands that I love. I just really don't buy in to the idea that I need to be a Christian music songwriter. I love the thoughts of Jon Foreman from the band Switchfoot. He's talked in depth about the idea that if you're a believer, all your music will reflect that. You don't need to write Christian music for your music to be about God. He, like myself, hates the distinction between sacred and secular art. </p>
<p>The other side of DILOY is directed more to my wife. I write sad songs. I just do. They resonate with me more. My aim was to write music for people that need to hear it. And, when you're happy, you don't typically need anything else. But when you're sad, you just want to feel understood. Music helps me feel understood, so that's how I try to reach others. Plus, it helps me deal with complex emotions that my be hard to work through. But people always ask me why I write sad songs. Is it because I'm sad, too? I'm married to a beautiful woman. I now have a gorgeous daughter. My parents are still very close to me. I have a job I love and hobbies that fulfill me. I should be happy, and therefore I should write happy songs.</p>
<p>These two parts of my life have always been extremely frustrating to me. Why do people care so much? Can't I just play the music I want to play? But, there's also the idea that "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Essentially, if I do love God, or my wife, shouldn't I be writing music about that love? If I'm not really writing those songs, then maybe my love isn't deep enough. </p>
<p>Now, I'm not saying I agree with that. It was just some of the things I was working through at the time. So I wrote the song. "Do I love you less because I don't write you songs?" </p>
<p>I mentioned that we almost didn't include the song. Lyrically, I feel it's arguably my weakest song. It's a little too on the nose. A little too pop punk. The song "Rooted" came out of me trying to rewrite DILOY. That's the song that really got to the heart of what I was thinking. But my drummer and piano player really came up with some incredible parts, and the song is so fun to play. I figured I needed a song somewhere on "Another Anodyne" that wasn't so damn heavy. So there it is. </p>2:58St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63250562020-05-21T12:13:41-04:002023-12-10T11:32:47-05:00I'm Sorry<p>Songwriting is an interesting endeavor. For each songwriter, there are that many unique songwriting processes. Most of my songs have one of three variations. The first, and most common, happens when I have an idea pop into my head for a story or theme I think would make a good song. Take my song, "Broken Watch." I thought it would be fun to write a story about a watch that kept terrible time, and that might have unforeseen consequences. Boom. Song. The second happens when I think about a particular line that I feel is so good I have to write a song about it. My song "Rooted" started because I thought of the line, "I'm not scared of being wrong, but I'm terrified of being lost." Everything else came after that. The third happens when I am playing music. I'll come up with a guitar lick or chord progression, and try to fit a story to that. My songs "O'Brien," "Figs From Thistles," and "When Atlas Shrugged" began like this. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry," didn't follow any of these trends. In fact, there wasn't much of a process of writing it at all. When my wife and I first married, I had weekly coffee meeting with a buddy of mine. I would wake up way too early for my taste, go grab coffee, then come home. At that point I would usually take a nap. The thing is, naps that followed coffee usually had very vivid dreams. In one of these dreams, I was playing and singing a song that I had written. It seemed so beautifully written. When I woke up, I immediately wrote it all down. Now, this has happened before, but what seems so great in dream land usually ends up being extremely idiotic here in the real world. But, with "I'm Sorry," I thought I had a great song. I sent it to my wife immediately, and she ended up calling me to see if I was all right. She said the lyrics were so sad and emotional it seemed hard to believe I wrote it without also being sad and emotional. </p>
<p>The story is pretty simple. When I wrote "I'm Sorry," or, rather dreamt it, a good buddy of mine was going through an ugly divorce. Now, this was the second divorce in that year that a good friend of mine was going through, and while I was keenly away of the high divorce rate in America, to have two occur in my circle, especially to such a young couple, it saddened me. It got me thinking about how we romanticize marriage as this perfect, happy ever after. A relationship that takes no work. If the marriage is good, there shouldn't be any problems. I don't really buy into this. In my experience, the only strong marriages tend to be those forged with fire. I never really bought into the "We're just not IN love any more." To borrow a phrase from 90's Christian group, DC Talk, I always felt that "Love is a verb," not an emotion. </p>
<p>Now, to the lyrics. The song structure is a verse, chorus, verse, chorus, and final verse. The chorus is essentially an apology. "I'm sorry for the things that I have done. I'm sorry for the words that I have said. I'm sorry that I gave up when you needed me the most. I'm sorry that I turned and walked away." Each verse is a reflection on the stages of a failing relationship. Verse one is the realization that marriage isn't a perpetual honeymoon stage. Verse two sees the struggling with the idea that maybe this marriage failed because they didn't work through things. Maybe they gave up when they shouldn't have. Maybe they never belonged together in the first place. But, I suppose it's easy to question things in retrospect. Verse three is the attempt at beginning the process of moving on. The character wishes he could say it was all the other persons fault. He'd even settle if everything could be blamed on him. Unfortunately, "The truth is that it's somewhere in an ugly shade of gray," meaning neither party was the sole cause of ruin. Both, whether through purposeful action or inaction, cause this relationship to fail. </p>
<p>I consider this to be my saddest song. This is one of the few songs that doesn't end with hope, if even a little. I try to have most of my songs try to reach people in a dark space and offer a little comfort. I suppose this song could offer comfort in the way of helping people deal objectively with their problem. I really just wanted a song that showed that you can't blame brokenness on one person. Bridges are connected to two sides, and as long as one side wants, there's always a possibility for rebuilding. </p>
<p>A last interesting note about "I'm Sorry" is that I originally intended it to be a guitar and vocal only performance. I wrote it in a 4/4 time signature and just wanted a raw emotional song. As the band was working on "Another Anodyne," though, they had the idea to change the time to 6/8 and give it a good ole' country shuffle. Add in some piano and drums, and next thing you know we had a song reminiscent of the great Country songwriters like Dolly Parton or Johnny Cash. Or maybe that's just me trying to elevate myself to some personal songwriting heroes. If you want to hear the original version of "I'm Sorry," head over to my Bandcamp page. It's available for download there. </p>3:34St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63236792020-05-20T12:29:39-04:002021-10-20T05:25:27-04:00Aquamarine<p>"Aquamarine" is a song that took nearly a decade to write. It started back in college. My friends and I went to a concert. There was a band called Deas Veil. Kind of an indie rock band. The piano player was this beautiful girl. I couldn't tell you what she looked like, but I do remember one thing. Her eyes were this piercing blue. What we went on to call aquamarine. We all noticed this. A phrase that came to mind was, "Eyes just don't come in that color." We then decided that deserved to be a lyric. I couldn't really couldn't come up with a decent song. I then shifted the line to "Eyes just aren't made that way," and included it in my song "I'll Be Fine," from my first album. </p>
<p>Now, let's fast forward. I ended up figuring out what Aquamarine should be about. I had decided to stop writing break up songs. I wanted a more complex emotion. Why, after almost a decade, could I still remember these eyes, and what was a complicated emotion that I could use for a song? </p>
<p>I decided to write from a perspective of a man who was still hung up on a past lover. Not in a "I miss you and I want you back," way, but in a "I don't miss you, I don't want you back, but for some reason I can't get over you," way. The first verse has him realizing it's really late (or early) in the night, and he can't sleep. His throat hurts. We get the first chorus "Now, I know I will not forget you. But I can't see your face so clear anymore. But those eyes. Eyes just don't come in that color."</p>
<p>Verse 2 is later after another restless night. He wants to sleep so he can escape these emotions, but sleep brings dreams of these eyes. The second chorus adds "It's not that I can't NOT love you. I've all but moved on with my life for now. But those eyes, they haunt me still."</p>
<p>I think the point of the song was supposed to convey regret of some kind. Maybe he's not so much remembering the color of her eyes as much as he's remembering the hurt in said eyes that he caused. Maybe he's remembering how they could also pierce his soul. Maybe he's remembering the laughter in them. I always liked the idea that adult relationships end, sometimes for no other reason than they simply had nowhere else to go. Sometimes they run their course, and both parties know that, and leave mutually. But, once you've given a piece of your heart to someone, even after you've moved on, and no longer feel any form of attachment to them, they still have that piece of your heart. It's not a bad thing, it's just life. </p>
<p>"Aquamarine" is unique in it's arrangement. It's the only first song that has no other instrumentation outside of a guitar and voice. I wanted to convey a sense of loneliness. I didn't want a bunch of noise. I originally had it in a different key with my vocals jumping up an octave and breaking, but we decided it needed to be almost monotone. Another deep cut that most don't appreciate, but some have said it's their favorite. I don't perform it live often, but when I do I always enjoy the sense of quiet it creates. </p>3:42St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63236552020-05-20T12:14:55-04:002020-05-20T12:14:55-04:00Rooted<p>Like my song "When You Look," on the album "A Sea of Empty Faces," "Rooted" happens to be my favorite song on this album. And, like "When You Look," "Rooted" tends to be overlooked. The similarities are numerous between the two songs. Both are largely two instruments accompanying my voice. Both are later in the album. Both are the most autobiographical songs on the album. </p>
<p>"Rooted" has a tumultuous beginning. As we were arranging the album, my producer and I were going back and forth about another song on the album, "Do I Love You Less?". We felt, lyrically, it was fairly week. I kept trying to rewrite the lyrics, but I couldn't come up with anything. So, one night, we talked for several hours about what the song was supposed to say. I'll go into more detail about the specifics of "Do I Love You Less?" in it's own post, but as we discussed, we realized that I had a lot more to say than I did in that song. </p>
<p>Before I explain "Rooted," let me take a step back and shine some light into my own inner workings. I tend to favor logical decision making over emotional. That's not to say I don't feel emotion, or even don't get overwhelmed by emotion occasionally, I just rarely like to make decisions based on my emotional responses. Some people have found me to be frustrating to argue with because I rarely let my emotions take over, and therefore can come off as distant. But, I just don't see the advantage of making decisions without exhausting every logical outcome and avoiding impulsive outbursts. </p>
<p>"Rooted" took shape when I was asked what I was scared of. Was I so scared of being wrong? My response turned into the first lyric: "I'm not scared of being wrong, but I'm terrified of being lost." Through hours of discussion I came to the conclusion that I tried to avoid emotional responses because there wasn't an easy way to navigate them. At my darkest moments I felt so lost because logic had failed me, and I didn't want to deal with the emotions left behind. The first verse sets up that idea. I find myself in a wilderness that I can't navigate, because there aren't any recognizable landmarks. But the chorus flips that with me proclaiming that, "I desperately want to see the beauty surrounding me." The crazy, untamable wilderness that is emotion is beautiful, you just have to learn to appreciate it. </p>
<p>Verse two goes into more detail about why I struggle with this wilderness. I like black and white. Contrast. Right and wrong. But this emotional wilderness is chaos that has all these shades and hues swirling and blending. Red turns to orange turns to yellow turns to green turns to blue, and then back again. Happy can become sad can become angry. That idea terrifies me. </p>
<p>I like maps. Trail markings. GPS. But emotion can be like trying to navigate a ship in a raging see without stars or coordinates. "Rooted" never really resolves, because emotion rarely resolves. It's not a happy song, but it's not really sad either. I didn't record to a metronome, so the tempo changes. There's strum pattern shifts. If I were to put a playlist of songs together that gave you insight into my own psyche, "Rooted" would be at the top. </p>4:06St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63228752020-05-19T18:03:55-04:002021-10-20T15:06:02-04:00Praying Drunk<p>"Praying Drunk" is a unique song. Mostly because I didn't write it. A good friend of mine, Michael Cassinari (who performs under the moniker Ancient Pathways Music) wrote this song. It was the first song of his that I really enjoyed, and so I told him I'd record a project if he would do this song. He then suggested I perform a version of it myself. So, I changed the key, a few of the lyrics, and here we are. </p>
<p>It's a pretty simple song as far as back story goes. If you grew up in even a moderately conservative, evangelic home, you'll know there is a deep roots stigma against alcohol consumption. Some never escape the negative connotations behind alcohol of any form. While I have never really struggled with the idea of responsible consumption, I know many do.</p>
<p>The whole idea of "Praying Drunk," is pretty self explanatory. The character in the story is drinking. He's self medicating. And through this journey of avoiding your problems by drowning them, he's starting to realize that the problems aren't just not going away, they're getting worse. At the bottom of his whole, he begins praying. To whoever will listen. There's obviously some pretty overtly Christian themes, but I don't think it's required to interpret the song that way. It's just a song about brokenness, and the wish that you could find a hope that isn't able to be ripped away. </p>
<p>As I said, I didn't write "Praying Drunk." Maybe that means it's a little less personal. Or maybe it's a song that I could have written anyways, but why reinvent the wheel? </p>6:44St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63226532020-05-19T16:15:12-04:002020-05-19T16:15:12-04:00When Atlas Shrugged<p>This is a fun one. Or, I should say it's a slow, sad song, but it was fun to create. This is the first song written intentionally to be led by piano. I usually write songs on guitar and then have the band take it and make it what it is. But this was written on piano. And, like I've mentioned on songs like "Broken Watch" and "O'Brien," this is another one of those songs that I immediately knew the arrangement once I started writing it. </p>
<p>"When Atlas Shrugged" is kind of referencing both the mythical figure of Atlas, as well as the book "Atlas Shrugged," by Ayn Rand, if only in a round about way. It's actually the story of Judas, the betrayer of Christ. I'll explain the story, and then explain where the title came from. </p>
<p>For those unfamiliar, Jesus Christ was betrayed by one of his followers, Judas Iscariot. In scripture he's know as one of the original twelve disciples, but mostly as the one who betrayed Jesus to the people that would end up crucifying him. Afterwards, he hangs himself due to the guilt of what he'd done. In the Christian world he's a pretty one dimensional character. Not much thought is given to why he might betray his supposed savior, or if he would be considered a true follower of Christ. For me, though, I wanted to take a different approach to him as a character in one of the most told stories across the world. Growing up in the Bible Belt, a common exercise was to compare ourselves to a particular disciple, most commonly Peter or John. I always found that the twelve disciples seemed to embody a particular part of humanity really well, and that we could easily compare ourselves to any of them, perhaps especially Judas. So I tried to write him as, if not a tragic hero, then maybe as an unwitting, but necessary device for the development of Christ's story. </p>
<p>Essentially, the lyrics of the song start with Judas waking up in Heaven after killing himself. He begins to realize where he is, and sees himself surrounded by those that know him, and he notes that everyone seems surprised at his presence there, in Heaven. After all, he did betray Jesus. It ends with him feeling the weight of what he's done, and where he is. </p>
<p>The second verse finds Judas meeting eyes with Jesus. We see the immediate forgiveness and embrace between Jesus and Judas. But Judas doesn't really understand why he'd be forgiven. We hear him questioning if Jesus knew what he would do eventually upon meeting Judas, and if so, how could Jesus truly love Judas in spite of all this. </p>
<p>The song ends with Judas saying, "You tell me I'm forgiven. I want to believe it's true. And maybe given time, I can forgive myself, too." </p>
<p>I wanted to write a song that discussed forgiveness, not from the perspective of forgiving others, but of being forgiven. And, how sometimes it's harder to forgive ourselves for what we've done. </p>
<p>Now, back to the title. Atlas is the character tasked with holding up the world on his shoulders. I remember watching the movie "Atlas Shrugged," and while the book is certainly a huge endeavor that discusses a lot of things, I was fascinated by the title alone. If we take Atlas holding up the world on his shoulders as a metaphor for us, then, should we give up on holding whatever we have in our lives, I wouldn't see a violent throwing off the weight. Instead, I see this broken shrugging off of our problems. I saw this as utter hopelessness. Giving up is never a huge, explosive action. It's more of a weak and subtle surrender. </p>
<p>As always, though, I didn't want this song to end so hopelessly. I don't like the idea that healing will never happen. So I wanted to leave a little ray of sunshine at the very end. You've been forgiven. Now you just need to learn how to forgive yourself. </p>5:10St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63224832020-05-19T14:06:54-04:002020-05-19T14:06:54-04:00Mr. Gray<p>I've mentioned that occasionally I write songs that I'm not sure about, and for some reason they become the songs people resonate with. Mr. Gray happens to be the best example of my discography. Any time I write a song that I assume is a little too "poppy," I assume people who listen will feel the same. But then again maybe pop isn't always a bad thing. I dunno. </p>
<p>"Mr. Gray," the song that "Another Anodyne" derives it's name from is another mostly autobiographical song. Back in college, I went through a pretty depressive stage. The girl that was supposedly "The One" had left, my friends were all trying to discover who they were, and because of that we were all a little selfish and oblivious of others. But most importantly, I started to take comfort in my own depression. I embraced the darker parts of myself, and, while hiding it from the people around me, I certainly became what I consider to be the worst version of myself. I wanted to write that into a song. The premise is pretty simple. I personified depression as a friend who comes into your life. This friend is seductive. He starts by saying that all these things that you're feeling are not just normal, but good, and you should embrace them. And he isolates you. Over time you begin to lose yourself in these dark feelings. </p>
<p>The song started with the phrase, "And so I breath you in like a cigarette. With every breath you're killing, but damn it, if you don't taste so sweet." I was also playing a game titled Anodyne, and I liked that word. The definition is either: not likely to provoke dissent or offense; inoffensive, often deliberately so, or: a painkilling drug or medicine. I tried to write a sarcastic song about trying so hard to be inoffensive that you end up standing for nothing, and therefore are now offensive. But that didn't pan out, and so I ended up taking the second definition and running with it.</p>
<p>The first verse introduces the character of depression being comforting, with the chorus being "You promised me you'd be my anodyne." The second verse has the character acknowledging that this depression is isolating and damaging, but also remains comforting to an extent. And the chorus shifts to "You were supposed to be my anodyne." As we get into the bridge, we get the song title. "Now I'm looking in the mirror like a modern Mr. Gray." This is a reference to "The Picture of Dorian Gray," by Oscar Wilde. In this book, the main character Dorian Gray has a portrait of himself painted. As he slowly commits more heinous acts and becomes more evil, the picture starts to become more deformed and ugly. Dorian Gray himself never ages or becomes ugly. Eventually he sees the picture and realizes what he's become. I liked this as an image of depression taking on the ugliness subtly and you never realizing what you're turning into. The next line is "The more I feed into your image, the more I quickly fade away." So the metaphor set up by Oscar Wilde continues into my song. Looking in the mirror shows who you really are, and you can either decide to continue on that path, or tear yourself away. The final chorus combines both previous choruses; "You were supposed to be my anodyne. I need to find another anodyne. You promised me you'd be my anodyne. I need to find another anodyne." </p>
<p>The title track also carries the entire theme of the album. It's easy to self medicate, or withdraw into yourself, when going through pain and struggle. It's simple. And it helps for a while. But we should always find other ways of relieving pain. Healthy and long term methods. That might be different for different people. That's up to the listener. </p>4:36St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63224442020-05-19T13:00:11-04:002021-10-16T14:13:23-04:00Awake, O Sleeper!<p>The opening track to the album, "Another Anodyne," sets up the album both thematically as well as conceptually. For the theme of "Another Anodyne," I wanted to set up the idea that there are many emotions and situations that we, as humans, are forced to deal with. And we've developed many coping mechanisms, some good, while others are potentially damaging. I tried to come up with songs that dealt with love, loss, pain, confusion, restlessness, as well as any other complex thought I felt like was common to people as a whole. I wanted to encourage people to find another anodyne (pain relieving medicine) for whatever they may be going through. "Awake, O Sleeper!" is a call to action along these lines. It's directed to anybody who may feel stuck in whatever place they are. </p>
<p>Conceptually, it also sets up a shift in both my writing and musical arrangement. From a lyrical standpoint, with this album I tried to try and dive in to more complicated themes than the typical "they left me and I'm lonely," or other typical "I'm sad" concept that can be typical of my singer/songwriter folk genre. I also found that I really enjoy subtle literary references, so I tried to use that throughout the album. </p>
<p>Now, to dive in to "Awake, O Sleeper!" This phrase is taken from a book out of the Bible. The actual location is Ephesians 5:14, where it says, "for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 'Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.'" I really liked this verse, mostly because of the metaphor of light being of truth. So I took the first phrase, and tried to take the explicitly Christian overtones out, as I typically don't want to shoehorn myself into a Christian music box. Within the lyrics, I call the listener to wake up out of their darkness, whatever it may be, and let the light in. </p>
<p>Musically, this is also a new direction for me. I've stayed with the similar acoustic stylings, but i certainly got way more, shall we say, cinematic. You'll hear a long fade in, followed by a huge, almost symphonic arrangement. While we were writing this song, I kept telling the band I wanted this to sound like a movie score written as an epic battle cry, similar to the Brave Heart or Lord of The Rings hopeless battle that has no potential for victory, but of course ends up victorious. What was fun about writing this was I essentially wrote two verses, and left space to create a long, building instrumental. This was the first time I didn't write the song before we started playing, but instead just got the band together and jammed until something created itself. Another unique thing about this song is that I wrote it in both 4/4 and 6/8 time signatures. While we were arranging, we decided to take the 6/8 route, but our drummer kept playing in 4/4. It wasn't until we were in the studio and were having issues with recording properly that we realized that we were playing in different times. But we ended up loving the sound, so we kept it. </p>
<p>So, you, as a listener, can treat "Awake, O Sleeper" as both a thematic start to the entire album, as well as a call for introspection. What darkness in your life should you cast light on?</p>4:00St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63150412020-05-13T14:08:27-04:002020-05-13T14:08:27-04:00I Love You, Big Brother<p><em>Disclaimer: All the tracks from "We Were Dead From The Start" are base on the book 1984 by George Orwell. "Memories being the first song, I explain why I wrote this album on that post. It'll help to read these posts in order of album appearance.</em></p>
<p>If "Memories" is the introduction to the whole story of "We Were Dead From The Start," then "I Love You, Big Brother" is the conclusion. It's essentially the entire story of Winston Smith in three verses. I always wanted to have a good ol' fashioned blue grass hoe down, so I wrote this song to be exactly that. Here's where sometimes interesting recording methods don't translate to the masses. I originally intended for the band to record around a single microphone, as they would have done in the good old days of bluegrass. I had myself, my cellist, and a fiddle player gathered around for a single, live take. I really loved the raw feel of the song. But as I play tested it out to people, there seemed to be one common thread. Everyone felt like it sounded less professional than the rest of the album. So instead of forcing my desires for period authenticity, I decided to use the live take as a bonus track to release here and on Bandcamp, and rerecord a studio version. But now that I was free to do a much grander production, I wanted to solicit the skills of better bluegrass players than myself. As with "Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree," I brought in local bluegrass players from the band My Brother's Keeper. The final result was an extremely fun song that, whether because My Brother's Keeper has a decent following around these parts, or because I happened to really nail this song on it's head, has become one of my most popular songs. </p>
<p>The premise of "I Love You, Big Brother" revolves around that phrase. The first verse sets up the idea that with the Thought Police and telescreens ever present. the citizens of Oceania are forces to display their undying love for Big Brother whether they truly feel it or not. If they show any hint of dissent, they will die. So the verse ends with "I love you, Big Brother, because I have to."</p>
<p>The second verse describes the daily Two Minutes Hate, where the citizens are gathered around a communal telescreen and shown images of whatever enemy Oceania currently has, followed by images of Big Brother as a savior. The result is a frenzy of hatred directed outwards against the enemies of The Party, and love and adoration towards Big Brother. Winston describes this as unavoidable. No matter how deeply he hates The Party and Big Brother, during the Two Minutes Hate, he can't help but get caught up in the emotion. For this reason I end verse two with the same, "I love you Big Brother, because I have to." Only this time instead of, "Because I have to," implying he's forced to, it implies he can't help himself. </p>
<p>The final verse describes the ending of the book. After Winston's betrayal of Julia, he finds himself broken. The final lines of the book describe Winston winning the fight over himself, and finally loving Big Brother. So the final line changes to, "I love you, Big Brother, because I want to." Like the previous song, "Take It Away," this song does require a deeper knowledge of the story of 1984 to fully understand the lyrics, but it's such a fun song that you can enjoy it for what it is regardless. And if you're reading this, then you're on the website. Check out both the album version with My Brother's Keeper and the live version. They each have their own feel and I think compliment the other well. </p>3:43St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63150172020-05-13T13:49:11-04:002021-10-21T02:26:47-04:00Take It Away<p><em>Disclaimer: All the tracks from "We Were Dead From The Start" are base on the book 1984 by George Orwell. "Memories being the first song, I explain why I wrote this album on that post. It'll help to read these posts in order of album appearance.</em></p>
<p>"Take It Away" is partially a follow up song to "O'Brien." Or, I should say, it's a part of the story referenced in verse two of "O'Brien." The climax of 1984 revolves around the interrogation of Winston Smith by his mentor/betrayer O'Brien. The eventual destruction of Winston's identity occurs in the final scene of the interrogation. A quick nutshell of the scene is this; Winston's deepest, most visceral fear is being in the presence of rats. Throughout his torture, Winston has betrayed not only himself, but just about anybody he could to avoid pain. But he has held on to his love of Julia, and thus retained his true self and identity. What finally breaks Winston is a contraption where he is strapped to a chair, and a mask is fixed to his face. On the other side of the mask lies two rats, both hungry. There's a catch that, once release, will let down a grill and expose Winston's face to the rats. Winstone begins to panic, and in a last ditch effort to save himself, screams for O'Brien to subject Julia to this unbearable torture instead of himself. As soon as he offers Julia in his place, there is imagery of Winston falling away from the mask, and therefore his humanity. He finally lost the fight. He betrayed the one person he loved, and in the process himself. </p>
<p>As I was writing this album, my dad kept pushing for me to write a song about the rats. Write a song about the rats. Sing about the rats. I found this a little difficult, because how do you sing a song about a fear of rats without being too silly? Then a thought occurred to me. Winston had this intimate worship of O'Brien. I have spent years of my life as a worship leader in various churches. What if I wrote a worship song directed towards O'Brien? So that's what I did. </p>
<p>The first verse starts with Winston still holding on, claiming that O'Brien still hasn't broken him. The second verse has O'Brien bringing the rats to his face, and Winston betraying Julia. Obviously, all of this is implied, as I didn't want to put that into specific words. The repeated chorus is simply, "Take it all away from me. Take it all away from me. You can put it on to anyone, take it all away from me." As with other songs, I tried to capture the emotion of the song not just in the lyrics, but in the music as well. One interesting thing I did was as I was repeating the chorus, I slowly backed away from the microphone. This was an effort to replicate the imagery of Winston falling away from the mask. You'll hear more and more space as I get farther away. This isn't a song I perform live very often, mostly because I feel it's almost uncomfortably intimate. But I do find it's a perfect studio song. It's also one of the songs most dependent on a working knowledge of the book. So If you've read 1984 since high school, perhaps you'll understand the deeper emotion in the song. </p>3:14St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63135052020-05-12T13:37:53-04:002020-05-12T13:37:53-04:00O'Brien<p><em>Disclaimer: All the tracks from "We Were Dead From The Start" are base on the book 1984 by George Orwell. "Memories being the first song, I explain why I wrote this album on that post. It'll help to read these posts in order of album appearance.</em></p>
<p>If you read my post on "Broken Watch," I explained that every once in a while, I'll write a song and immediately know it's among my best. I wrote "O'Brien" in about two hours, immediately called my wife and told her I wrote the best song I'll ever write. As I explain in my post on "Memories," I read 1984 every year. And when I do, I like to take notes on the themes that stick out. It changes every time. Sometime I focus on one character, sometimes another. Sometimes I'm looking at the grand story, sometimes I find some minute detail that changes everything. At the time, while I was reading, the character O'Brien stood out. Winston Smith was a member of the Party. But he wasn't in the Inner Party. Early on in the book Winston finds an unspoken kinship with an Inner Party member known only as O'Brien. He mentions that O'Brien has features too harsh to be considered handsome, and he's so large that you'd expect him to be clumsy, but strangely enough he has a grace about him. Winston feels as if O'Brien is the one person who truly understands him. As the story continues, O'Brien eventually reveals himself to be a part of an underground resistance. He convinces Winston and Julia to join this resistance. After getting Winston to vocalize his rebellion against Big Brother, causing him to be captured and tortured, O'Brien is revealed to be part of Big Brother and the party. He then proceeds to interrogate and torture Winston, and eventually brainwashing him to love Big Brother. </p>
<p>What I find interesting about the relationship between Winston and O'Brien is that throughout everything, Winston still respects, admires, and even loves O'Brien. There's a promise between them to "Meet again in the place where there is no darkness," which has several interpretations too long to go into here. Winston sees O'Brien as both his destruction and salvation. I'm a sucker for complicated relationships. </p>
<p>The song O'Brien is one of those songs that was arranged immediately upon writing it. I knew what every instrument would do. I wanted to capture the feeling of the last dance at your high school formal. You know this is the last dance with your partner. You know that after this dance you and your partner would break up, and no longer be together. But you also know that as long as the dance continues, you're still together. I wanted a song that had a bittersweet, eternal feel. It's written as almost a waltz. After the final chorus, it turns back into a drawn out ending. I don't know why the relationship between Winston and O'Brien inspired that feel, as there were no romantic feelings between them, but it did. The story in the song starts with them meeting and the immediate love and admiration Winston felt towards O'Brien. The second verse deals with O'Brien's betrayal and torture and interrogation of Winston. But you'll notice that Winston still feels that even through all of this, O'Brien understands him, and perhaps that's all Winston wants. </p>
<p>You'll also notice the standard SMSM themes. The guitar parts are equal parts chord driven and riff driven. There are exchanges of cello and piano lines that make up the instrumental sections. I really love O'Brien.</p>5:39St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63134862020-05-12T13:21:24-04:002022-07-22T11:12:03-04:00Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree<p><em>Disclaimer: All the tracks from "We Were Dead From The Start" are base on the book 1984 by George Orwell. "Memories being the first song, I explain why I wrote this album on that post. It'll help to read these posts in order of album appearance.</em></p>
<p>Halfway through the album was supposed to be another song taken from the book. A reoccurring song that Winston here's throughout 1984 is a song that says, simply:</p>
<p>Under the spreading chestnut tree I sold you, and you sold me. There lie they, and here lie we under the spreading chestnut tree. </p>
<p>It forewarns of Winston's betrayal of Julia. It forewarns of the death of Winston's ideals and humanity. It's one of the major themes in the book. I composed a song that was intended to have an old timey gospel hymn feel. Bigger than life piano playing behind a four part harmony, then fading out so the song ends acapella. To top it all off, I was pretty excited about the melody I composed. I got some friends in another local band, My Brother's Keeper, to sing with me. I was really excited about the song. It was designed to follow Julia and split the album in half. The first half upbeat, almost joyful, the second half dealing with the darker themes. But, as explained in the post on "Memories," I never got permission. But here it is anyways. </p>1:23St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63134802020-05-12T13:14:51-04:002021-10-17T13:32:29-04:00Julia<p><em>Disclaimer: All the tracks from "We Were Dead From The Start" are base on the book 1984 by George Orwell. "Memories being the first song, I explain why I wrote this album on that post. It'll help to read these posts in order of album appearance.</em></p>
<p>I have a love/hate relationship with Julia. This was actually the first 1984 song I wrote, and I almost immediately discarded it. I just hated it. But, after a session with some musicians where we were arranging some songs, I threw this song out there. Peter, my piano player, immediately changed the key, and instead of a guitar led ballad, turned it into a bouncy piano led pop song. It was catchy, fun, and I figured it would make an interesting deep track. The problem is that people loved it. If I were to release a single, this would be it. The popular songs are never the ones you expect.</p>
<p>Julia is pretty simple. The main character of 1984 is Winston Smith. The love interest is Julia. I wanted to write their love affair as a tragic romance. Like Romeo and Juliet, only not so melodramatic. In the book, Winston sees this woman, and hates her. He hates her for being devoted to the Party, for being young, for being beautiful (although it's pointed out that she isn't a traditionally pretty girl, but I suppose when you've tried to banish sexual desire, you'll also banish the ability to be pretty). Most importantly though, Winston hates Julia because he can't have her. That is, until one day she slips him a not confessing her love for him. Thus begins a passionate love affair doomed to end in the deaths of both Winston and Julia. The album takes it's name from the chorus: "We were dead from the start, but I was certain you had my heart."</p>
<p>I tried to make references throughout to the specifics of the story. "I never gave a second look before. I couldn't want more," clearly represents Winston's inability to pursue a relationship. "With the look you had when we met eye took me by surprise," explains the chance meeting where she confesses her love. After that, I wanted to write a song that sounded like a love song, but upon listening to the lyrics you realize it's more of a "Damn the world, this will kill us but we're gonna do it anyways" kind of song. And there's a trumpet solo. Who doesn't love trumpet solos?</p>3:34St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63134762020-05-12T13:01:02-04:002021-10-16T14:36:54-04:00Doublethink<p><em>Disclaimer: All the tracks from "We Were Dead From The Start" are base on the book 1984 by George Orwell. "Memories being the first song, I explain why I wrote this album on that post. It'll help to read these posts in order of album appearance.</em></p>
<p>The official first track, unofficial second track of "We Were Dead From The Start" is "Doublethink." While this is perhaps the least related 1984 as a whole, it was inspired by the book, so I included it. Plus it had a fun bass line. Plus it's my band so shut up. </p>
<p>The concept of doublethink as explained in 1984 is pretty interesting. It's the practice of holding two opposing views simultaneously, acknowledging that they're opposing while also immediately forgetting that they're opposing. And then forgetting that you went through that process all together. As an example, in Oceania, the primary location in 1984, if you don't follow the rules set up by the party, you can, and will, be taken by the Thought Police and at the very least tortured and brain washed. But, in Oceania, there are no rules, so you are free to do whatever you like. Party members have to balance these out continually. Oceania is at war with a nation, and therefore has always been at war with that nation. Even if just two weeks ago they were at war with another nation instead, the Party is infallible and therefore never makes mistakes. It's quite a long process, and difficult to discuss outside of the book.</p>
<p>ANYWAYS. I liked the idea that in our current political climate, people tend to hold opposing views all the time and force ignorance upon themselves. So, you could say Doublethink is more a political satire. It's a first person narrative of someone refusing to think for themselves. </p>
<p>The first verse starts with the character stating that they don't know what to believe, but they're sure someone will tell them. These ideas don't have to agree with anything. Everything lines up as long as you don't think about it. </p>
<p>The second verse puts the character against someone else. "I don't care what you believe, provided that we don't ever disagree." I wanted to set up the idea that everyone claims to be open minded until you don't agree with them, then you're the idiot. </p>
<p>The song ends with a bunch of opposites being discarded as basically the same because the character doesn't want to think so much. </p>
<p>You'll also here my typical "guitar playing both chords and lead lines" feel that I have engrained into my ethos as a songwriter. </p>
<p>Not my deepest song, but as I explained in my song "No One Else," sometimes you just want a fun song to play. Doublethink is that. </p>2:50St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63134712020-05-12T12:47:39-04:002023-12-10T12:08:20-05:00Memories<p>So, I love 1984. The book by George Orwell, not the year. I read it every year. I don't know why I enjoy it so much, as it's not a particularly uplifting story. But I do.</p>
<p>So, I wrote a bunch of songs about it. The album "We Were Dead From The Start" is all about 1984. Some songs are the stories of certain characters, some are my personal take aways. And a couple are directly taken from the book itself. </p>
<p>The first song, "Memories," is an example of the latter. I say first song, but officially I never released it. After about a year and a half of trying to track down the copyright owners and negotiating what I could do to obtain a license to release the song, I was met with a brick wall. Officially, there were (still are, who knows) movie negotiations. Boiled down simply, because of these contract negotiations, the George Orwell Estate can't give me permission to release the song, as they're not sure they'll have the permission to if the movie gets made. But Sony (who I was told was the other side of these negotiations) can't give me permission to release the song, as they don't officially have the rights yet. Back and forth. I was advised by some people that I could probably go ahead and release it anyways, but it only takes one lawsuit to ruin a man. So, officially, it was never released. Although I did put it up for free download on this website as well as bandcamp. </p>
<p>Now to explain the story. "Memories" as I said, is composed of lyrics taken straight from the book. In the book, there's a random side character, a prole woman. Essentially this is one of the impoverished masses. The Party, of which the main character Winston Smith belongs to, doesn't partake in the enjoyment of music. In fact, the songs that proles listen to are composed entirely by a machine, and therefore are considered the lowest form of art, although, art itself is considered low, but this isn't an essay on the themes present in 1984. In one chapter, though, Winston overhears this poor woman singing this trashy song, and for a moment, he finds it to be almost pleasing. This becomes an instance where the power of Big Brother is broken, if briefly. </p>
<p>The first verse is practically a word for word transcription from the book. I thought it was a very poetic lyric. I wanted to compose a hauntingly beautiful folk ballad. The second verse I did change a little. The verse in the book was a little dated, and I didn't feel it translated as well to a modern song, so I tried my best to take the themes and compose my own lyrics. This song was written to be a short introduction to the album. I wanted to capture one of the broader themes present in the book, and start the album with a song that represented that. I don't have the lyrics printed anywhere else, so here they are;</p>
<p>It was only a hopeless fancy. It passed like an April Day. But with a look and a word, and the dreams that they stirred, they've stolen my heart away. Those feelings are all but memories. And time helps to ease the pain. But with the smiles and the tears across all the years, they've stolen my heart away. Oh, you've stolen my heart away. </p>
<p>I also wanted to give it a nostalgic feel, so I ran it through a vinylizer plugin and eq'd it to sound old. An awful lot of work for a song that doesn't officially exist. But I was too proud of it to not put it somewhere. </p>1:38St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63123902020-05-11T15:55:21-04:002022-05-07T08:20:30-04:00Neat<p>I was alone in Cincinnati with nothing better to do than to listen to, and play, music. Chris Stapleton had just put out his first record, "Traveller." It was outlaw country the way it was meant to be played. It also talked about whiskey a lot. I mean a whole lot. I wanted to write a country song about whiskey. </p>
<p>"Neat" started with a pun. I like to drink my whiskey neat. In my opinion, it's the only acceptable way to consume the nectar of the gods. Well, the opposite of neat is messy. Hmmmm. Maybe there's something there. </p>
<p>I decided I couldn't just write a song about drinking whiskey, either because that's lazy and hokey, or because at the time I was a pastor for a brand new church and I didn't want people put off by my frequent consumption. So I decided to embrace the outlaw country, and write a country song about an outlaw.</p>
<p>The story is simple enough. The main character is an outlaw. Has been his whole life. He was ready to retire, but before that he had one last big job. The problem is that the job didn't go well, and someone (we'll assume it was a close friend) ended up being shot. The tragic hero of this story has now lost everything. He walks in a bar, and decides that he might as well drink the rest of his miserable life away. </p>
<p>I usually try to avoid being too clever in my lyrics, as inevitably what I think is clever ends up sounding hokey. But with this song, either because country music pulls this out of any songwriter, or I just really like whiskey, the lines wrote themselves. "Bartender, you ask me what I'd like to drink. Well, it's been a long day and I can hardly think. My life is such a mess, so if you're asking me, well I'll take my whiskey neat." I wrote that chorus first, then the story for the song came. But it's the second chorus is my favorite. "Bartender, you ask me about my drink of choice. Well, I don't want anything to water down my poison. My life is such a mess, so maybe what I need is to take my whiskey neat."</p>
<p>Neat would create a character that I would go on to write more songs about, each with a different country feel. I took that page from the book of one of my favorite songwriters, Colin Meloy of The Decemberists. Sometimes you don't need a deep metaphor or meaning behind a song. Sometimes you just need a good story that is just a story. And sometimes you need a good glass of whiskey. Neat of course.</p>3:01St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63123852020-05-11T15:42:26-04:002020-05-11T15:42:26-04:00When You Look<p>"Broken Watch" may have been the song that created SMSM as it is now, but "When You Look" is the song that initiated my return to songwriting. I had just moved up to Cincinnati, and for the first time in a long time I was content. I was by myself, sure, but I had a goal, I had no baggage anymore, and I felt free. I started playing a lot of music because I didn't have a job, and therefore had nothing better to do. I started thinking back on the last chapter of my life and realized how miserable I had been, and the reasons behind that misery. </p>
<p>"When You Look" came about because I finally understood the nature of forgiveness. I tried to write a song that could be taken from the perspective of the listener, but for me it was a prayer. To God. Or maybe it was supposed to be to a father figure. Or a lover. I don't know. That's up to the listener to decide. But the whole idea is wrapped up into the line repeated at the start of each verse: "When you look into my eyes, can you tell me what you see?" I liked the idea of the parallel between the person you've become, and the person still deep within you. Are you the product of what you've done, or are you more than that? Maybe this is a nature vs. nurture thing. Or maybe it's simpler than that. </p>
<p>At it's core, "When You Look" is about redemption. You're more than the sum of your parts. Who you are and what you've done aren't necessarily the same thing. I wanted this song to be a simple, easy song. I'll also say the cello solo in the middle is one of the most beautiful things I've heard. Michael Ronstadt pulled something out of that song that I didn't know existed. Every album I write has one song that is the most "me." This is the song where I tried to find out what was in my heart and put it on a page. Each of the songs that I write like "When You Look" are usually passed over in the album. Most people treat this song as a deep cut that fills the album out. And maybe it is. But if you want to peer into my soul, start here. </p>3:45St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63123802020-05-11T15:31:48-04:002020-05-11T15:31:48-04:00I'll Be Fine<p>Like "No One Else," "I'll Be Fine" is another oldie. This was the first song I wrote fully back in college with my band Broken Folk. I say first song because I don't count my high school era I'm-so-deep-and-poetic songs. Unlike "No One Else," "I'll Be Fine" always seemed to be a little better than moody college Tyler. When I was looking through what to put on "A Sea Of Empty Faces," I'll be fine seemed to fit perfectly. And the early demos I put together with my cellist Michael Ronstadt just seemed to be exactly what I wanted out of a mid-album track. </p>
<p>The story is a simple one. It's a breakup song. The first verse sets up that the character is broken, while the girl seems to have moved on and is happy. He can't move on as he's "just not made that way." Verse two is more or less a different take on verse one. He's starting to see the holes she left in his life. </p>
<p>As we move into the chorus, you'll hear that I get about as angsty and moody as I will get in a SMSM song. Again, I wrote this in college. It's the third verse where you start to see the typical SMSM writing. The character acknowledges that he's fine, or at least will be, wishes her the best. What really makes this song is the cello dancing around the melody. I always love simple arrangements with one or two instruments. This was originally written to be a solo guitar and voice, but when Michael started playing cello I couldn't leave it out. </p>
<p>This is one of the last songs I wrote that didn't have an underlying metaphor or backstory behind the song. It was written when I was heartbroken, and sometimes you just need a good heartbreak song. </p>3:22St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63122442020-05-11T14:06:52-04:002020-05-11T14:06:52-04:00Broken Watch<p>SMSM started when I moved up from Nashville to Cincinnati. I was starting a church, so at the time I had no job, and except for the person I was partnered with, had no friends or family in the area. Broken Watch wasn't the first song I wrote when I moved up here, but it was the first time I felt that I needed to do more than play guitar in my apartment. I don't have many songs I don't almost immediately hate upon finishing, but Broken Watch is one of them. This was what I would have used for my first single if I were a single kind of guy. </p>
<p>The story goes like this; I was at a Punch Brothers concert. Christ Thile was doing his typical stage banter. He mentioned a broken watch. I don't remember much after that because I started thinking about a story where something seemingly insignificant like a watch keeping bad time can completely change your life. What would that story be?</p>
<p>I don't usually write breakup songs about anyone in particular (ok maybe they are always about <em>somebody)</em>. This one was kind of a combination of the girls I had dated seriously. Not that I was heartbroken or anything, but I tried to draw on the remembered emotions of the time. The story I came up with was simple. The love interest was leaving for good. I had a time to meet her before she left. My watch didn't keep time that well, and caused me to arrive right as she was driving off, and thus my last memory of her is her headlights fading. She goes on to get married and live a happy life, and I'm stuck wondering if she remembers me fondly, or if she's forgotten me, turning me into a footnote. There's no lyrical chorus. I wanted a traditional folk ballad feel with verses telling a story. I wanted an instrumental chorus to pull out the emotion of the song.</p>
<p>If you listen to my music, you'll hear a couple styles and themes start to emerge. Broken Watch was really one of the first songs that helped me define what would later become my "styler." The first thing you'll hear is in the chorus. The guitar carries the melody and the rhythm. I didn't have a and at the time so to break up the monotony of me just strumming along, I tried to develop a style of playing that would let me play chords so I wouldn't lose any volume, but also play individual notes to create a defined "riff". The cello, piano, and guitar all play on this riff in Broken Watch. The other style you'll here in this song is a lyrical style. I don't one dimensional songs. I try to avoid "I'm sad and that's it" stories. I really like to create hope, if not realized, then potential. The song ends with "I guess, maybe, it's for the better. But now it's too soon to tell." I write sad songs because people are sad, and like to listen to sad songs. At least I do. But I want to give the listener a glimpse at the end of the song that while it hurts now, there's more later. Broken Watch was the song that started it all. </p>4:45St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63122172020-05-11T13:51:55-04:002020-05-11T13:51:55-04:00No One Else<p>I don't believe in album filler songs. But if I were to have any, this song would be it. Early on in the days of SMSM, we didn't have many upbeat songs. Most tended to be on the more melancholic side. After all, one of the phrases I typically use is, "I write sad songs." No One else is a love song. It's happy. And therefore can seem out of place, in my opinion. But in the early days, it was a decent song, so we kept it. </p>
<p>I actually wrote this song in college. My cousin was getting married, and she asked me to play in her wedding. As I was preparing, this song pretty much wrote itself. I was in a band called Broken Folk, and we played this one frequently. </p>
<p>I don't need to go into much detail, as it's your basic love song. To avoid being too cheesy, I tried to bring my own sarcastic personality to it. You'll hear lines like, "I tried to think of clever things to say, but settled for how are you" and, "Throughout the good times and the bad, I may not always like you but I'll always be glad to have you by my side." </p>
<p>It's fun to play. It mixes up the sound from our typical slow, contemplative ballads. It's a song I wrote. </p>3:14St. Mary, St. Michaeltag:stmarystmike.com,2005:Post/63122072020-05-11T13:44:25-04:002022-05-30T05:23:34-04:00Blue 52<p>Blue 52 wasn't the first song I wrote, or even what I expected to be one of our most popular songs. It started off pretty simply. I was reading about the Blue 52 whale. In a nut shell, the Blue 52 whale is a mutated blue whale scientists have been tracking that calls out in 52 hz. While humans can hear this frequency quite easily, most whales can't. So, essentially, this whale travels around calling out to other whales, but no whales can hear it. This was one of those "There should be a song about that" moments you sometimes have.</p>
<p>Well, it turns out there are many songs about this whale, but I tend to lean towards a more parabolic writing style. So I wanted to take this idea and turn it into a human story. I started with the idea of feeling alone, and crying out for others, but for some reason or other you feel that nobody truly hears you. Maybe you're crying out to God, or whatever being you choose, hoping that they exist, but not receiving any response back. I don't know, it's all pretty existential at this point.</p>
<p>I pretty quickly came up with the chorus, but then got stuck. This was in the early days of SMSM, where I had just started coming up with what I wanted this project to look like. I reached out to Michael Ronstadt, the cellist working on these songs with me, and who happened to be quite a talented songwriter in his own right. This is where the song started taking shape. The first verse depicts the character in the middle of a crowded area (we imagined a food court at a mall). This character is tired, "Looking on a sea of empty faces" (here's the album title). He sees a huge gathering of people each showing their own emotions, hopes, fears, etc, but this individual still feels empty.</p>
<p>The second verse brings in the whale metaphors. Drifting along currents, screaming silent questions. Begging for someone to hear, understand, and come along side the character. It was difficult to bring in analogies to the actual whale without it being too on the nose, but I feel we did it justice. </p>
<p>Outside of the lyrics, we also tried to bring in other musical elements that complimented the song. Kristen Bennet, who sang harmonies, provides haunting "oooohs" that I feel emulate the call of a whale. We wrote the song in A flat, which is the pitch of the 52 hz frequency. You'll also hear in the background of the song an actual 52 hz frequency being played on the upright bass. Pretty neat. </p>
<p>This would quickly become the song we had to play at every show, an almost universal fan favorite. </p>4:22St. Mary, St. Michael